Note from the Blogger: In case anyone reading this happens to be hopelessly obtuse, the below is, of course, a work of satire. If you do not know what satire is, you may Google the Wikipedia article thereupon for a brief introduction to the concept or, if you have not already done so, simply become a registered republican.
Another note from the Blogger: If you’re unsure of what, precisely, is being satirized here, start by reading this recent post from Christian writer Beth Moore and then this response thereunto, one of the most satire-ready texts I’ve encountered in a long while indeed. Someone has to.
Today you wrote a letter to your brothers in Christ. Allow me to respond to the letter you wrote to your brothers in Christ so that I can respond to the letter that you wrote.
Be silent. Be silent is a phrase that is in the Bible. It is in the Bible in a place where the Bible says things that women should do and you are one and so that is what you should do. It is in the Bible because I say it is in the Bible and because I say what is in the Bible that means that whatever I say is true because it is in the Bible because I say that it is. You are not a good Bible teacher because you are not good at teaching the Bible. You preach and write about yourself as is if is as you were a character in the Biblical story that is the story that is in the Bible of which you are not a good teacher. Which you are not. You are a character in the farcical and cruel and another adjective from my thesaurus that means something bad story of the phrases that I use that I think I know what they mean but really do not but think I do. I read Believing God recently; it was one of the worst Christian books that I have ever read because I am a Christian and I did not write it. It is irrelevant that I did not hold it right side up. It pains me to know that so many women erroneously think. That you are a good source for biblical teaching because I think that you are not a good source for biblical teaching because what I say is biblical and if someone says something that I do not say it is not Biblical because Biblical is what I say it to be. Let me be clear, you aren’t a terrible Bible teacher because you are a woman. You are a terrible Bible teacher because you are not good at teaching the Bible which makes you a terrible Bible teacher because you are a woman. That you are a woman is irrelevant because you are a woman. And you did not learn to write good prose as I have from the robot on Lost in Space.
I am a semenary graduate. A semenary is a place that men go to to learn to spread the seed. Of the gospel and to be good bible teachers of which you are not one because you did not go to semenary but I did. As a semenary graduate who graduated from semenary unlike you who did not, it has been one of my great joys to collect submissions from submissive women who have been told by men who are good Bible teachers to reject you and your Bible studies because you are not a good Bible teacher because you are not a man. Who went to semenary like the way that I went to semenary and graduated which makes me a good teacher of the Bible which you are not. The most popular article I ever published which four whole people read of which only two were my Nana was a testimony from a pastor’s wife who is married to a a male pastor who graduated from semenary which you did not about how her husband said how awful your teaching was because you are not married to a male pastor who is a semenary graduate like I am and you are not. Yes, you are popular. Popular is a thing you are because a lot of people like you and unlike you I am not liked as you are. I detest you because of the way that other people like you. You are successful in a market that has rejected several of my manuscripts in which I am a Good bible teacher which you are not. You scoff at the semenarians who have not graduated from semenary because they talked down to you because you have not graduated from semenary. Maybe if you didn’t drop out of semenary which is a place where men go to learn to be good teachers of the Bible which you are not you would understand why they think you are awful which you are and I am not. That my blog-editing has kept my Nana from your products makes me happy. I am not personally friends with a single pastor who thinks you are sound because I am not friends with a single pastor.
Let me me forthright. You are not a not good Bible teacher not because you are a woman but because you do not have a penis. Penises are things that men have that women do not which is why women cannot be good Bible teachers. Do not get me wrong. As a biblical complementarian who is a good teacher of the Bible which you are not I believe that women can can be just as smart as men as long as they do not try to teach men anything especially the Bible of which you are not a good teacher because you are a woman. It is not that women are not as good as men it is only that men and women are different and the way in which they are different is that men have penises and women do not which is why to be a good Bible teacher one must have a penis which you do not and I do which is why you are not a good Bible teacher and I am.
Speaking of penises, you are a good-looking woman. Did it ever cross your mind that the Christian ministers who have penises who didn’t want to talk to you at conferences didn’t want to jeopardize their career by being thought to flirt with you because you are good-looking and they have penises? Maybe they didn’t want to end up in your. Next personal anecdote. Just maybe they were trying to hide that they were not able as mature adult human beings to control themselves around a beautiful, effusive, voluptuous, perfect woman with flowing blond tresses and a super hot ass and legs up to that makes it hard. To concentrate on being a good Bible teacher. Beth, I could go on about this. But I need to change my baby’s diaper (which I made with my penis which makes me a good Bible teacher which you are not), so I am going to wrap it up.
God isn’t talking to you. He is talking to my penis. You sound crazy. If God was talking to your penis, you’d likely not be such a horrible Bible teacher but you do not because you are a good-looking, beautiful, effusive woman.
Some Guy On the Internet With A Blog
P.S. I’m not saying what scores of other theologians and pastors have already thought about how good-looking you are. So my admonition to Be Gone only applies if you want to keep teaching the Bible of which you are a horrible teacher and not if you want to friend the secret Ashley Madison account that I do not have but if I did could be found under the username “hotforpreacher69.”