The Cashville Statement (A Wee Parody)

[Continuing the satirical strain this blog seems to have been developing lately, another bit of parody. If you’re not familiar with the document that is, in this case, the spoof-ee, find it here.]DollarChurch

The Cashville Statement


Know that Our Power itself is God; It is Our Will to Power that has made us, and nothing else… (Our Authority)

Crony Capitalists at the dawn of the twenty-first century find themselves living in a period of historic transition. As Western culture has become increasingly late-Capitalist, it has embarked upon a massive revision of what it means to be potential for labor. By and large the spirit of our age no longer discerns or delights in the beauty of Our Power’s design for labor. Many deny that Our Power created labor potential for the increase of its own Capital and that its good purposes for us include our personal and physical design as male and female. It is common to think that labor potential as male and female is not part of Our Power’s beautiful plan, but is, rather, an expression of an individual’s autonomous preferences. The pathway to full and lasting joy through Our Power’s good design for for its laborers is thus replaced by the path of shortsighted alternatives that, sooner or later, ruin labor potential and decrease profit.

This egalitarian spirit of our age presents a great challenge to Capitalism. Will Capitalism lose her authoritarian conviction, clarity, and courage, and blend into the spirit of the age? Or will it hold fast to its word of ever-increasing production, draw courage from Capital, and unashamedly proclaim its way as the way of Capital? Will it maintain its, counter-cultural witness to a world that seems bent on equality?

We are persuaded that faithfulness in our generation means declaring once again the true story of the Market and of our place in it—particularly as male and female. Capitalist Authority teaches that there is but one Power which alone is Creator and Power Over all. To Our Power alone, every person owes glad-hearted thanksgiving, heart-felt praise, and total allegiance. This is the path not only of glorifying Our Power, but of knowing yourselves. To forget Our Power is to forget who you are, for We made you for Ourselves. And you cannot know yourselves truly without truly knowing They who made you. You did not make yourselves. You are not your own. Your true identity, as male and female persons, is given by Our Power. It is not only foolish, but hopeless, to try to make yourselves what Our Power did not create you to be.

We believe that Our Power’s conception of its creation and its way of salvation serve to bring it the greatest profit and bring us the greatest productivity. Our Power’s good plan provides us with the greatest freedom. Capital indicates that it came that we might have productivity and have it in overflowing measure. It is for us and not against us. Therefore, in the hope of serving Capital and witnessing publicly to the good purposes of Our Power for human identity revealed in Capitalist Authority, we offer the following affirmations and denials.

Article 1

We affirm that Our Power has designed marriage to be a contractual, productive, lifelong union guaranteeing the stability of the property of one man and one woman, as husband and wife, and is meant to signify the contractual relationship between Capital and its bride, labor.

We deny that Our Power has conceived marriage to be an unproductive or capital-dispersing relationship. We also deny that marriage is mere spiritual union rather than a contract made with Our Power.

Article 2

We affirm that Our Power’s revealed desire for all labor potential is chastity outside of relationships that stabilize property and increase labor potential, and fidelity within contracts.

We deny that any affections, desires, or commitments ever justify love before or outside of property-preserving relationships, nor to they justify any form of spiritual connection.

Article 3

We Affirm that Our Power created our interpretation of Adam and Eve, the first examples of labor potential, in Our Power’s own image, equal before Our Power in terms of labor potential, and distinct as male and female.

We Deny that Our Power’s ordained differences between male and female render them unequal in labor potential.

Article 4

We affirm that Our Power’s ordained differences between male and female reflect Our Power’s original desire and are meant to preserve property, and increase labor potential and Our flourishing.

We deny that differentials in power are a result of the fall or a tragedies to be overcome.

Article 5

We affirm that the differences between male and female reproductive structures are integral to Our Power’s design for the creation of additional labor potential.

We deny that physical anomalies or psychological conditions nullify Our Power’s appointed link between biological sex and the ability to create new labor potential through procreation.

Article 6

We affirm that those born with a physical disorder of sex development are created in the image of Our Power and have labor potential and value equal to all other bearers of Our Power’s image. They are acknowledged by Our Authority in its words about “eunuchs who were born that way from their mother’s womb.” With all others they are welcome as faithful participants in the market and should embrace their potential for labor insofar as it may be present.

We deny that ambiguities related to a person’s biological sex render one incapable of increasing shareholder profits in joyful obedience to Capital.

Article 7

We affirm that self-conception as male or female should be defined by Our Power’s holy purposes in increasing capital as revealed in Our Authority.

We deny that adopting a self-conception that does not preserve property and increase labor potential is consistent with Our Power’s holy purposes in utilizing labor and maximizing profit.

Article 8

We affirm that people who experience attraction to relationships that do not stabilize property and create additional labor potential may live a rich and fruitful life pleasing to Our Power through faith in Capital, as they, like all Capitalists, walk in purity of life.

We deny that a propensity toward relationships that do not stabilize property and increase labor potential are part of the natural goodness of Our Power’s original creation, or that they put someone outside the jurisdiction of Our Patriarchy.

Article 9

We affirm that equality impedes productivity by directing persons away from property-stabilizing and labor-increasing relationships toward relationships that are based on spiritual connection–a distortion that includes non-contractual heterosexual relationships (insofar as they tend to disperse rather than preserve property) and even contractual same-sex relationships (insofar as they fail to produce additional labor potential).

We deny that an enduring pattern of desire for spiritual connection justifies behavior that fails to preserve property and create labor potential.

Article 10

We affirm that it is is detrimental to the increase of capital to approve of identities that are not productive of capital or productive of labor, and that such an approval constitutes an essential departure from Capitalist faithfulness and witness.

We deny that the approval of relationships unproductive of capital or additional labor potential are a matter of ideological indifference about which otherwise faithful Capitalists should agree to disagree.

Article 11

We affirm our duty to assert our authority in confidence at all times, including when we speak to or about one another as productive or unproductive of capital.

We deny any obligation to speak in such ways that dishonor Our Power’s design of his image-bearers as producers of labor potential.

Article 12

We affirm that the strength of Our Power in Capital gives both merciful pardon and transforming power, and that this pardon may allow a follower of Capital to put to death egalitarian desires and to work in a manner worthy of Our Power.

We deny that the strength of Our Power in Capital is insufficient to forgive all egalitarian tendencies and to give power to strive for profit to every participant in the market who feels drawn into relationships unproductive of additional capital or labor power.

Article 13

We affirm that the strength of Our Power in Capital enables those with desires for spiritual connection forsake such self-conceptions and by Our forbearance accept the link ordained by Our Power between one’s biological sex and one’s self-conception as a unit of potential labor.

We deny that the strength of Our Power in Capital sanctions self conceptions that are at odds with Our Power’s revealed will.

Article 14

We Affirm that Capital has come into the world to subordinate spiritual connection to labor potential, and that through Capital restoration to productivity and value within our labor market are available to every person who repents of the desire for equality and trusts in Capital alone as Savior, Lord, and supreme treasure.

We deny that Our Power’s arm is too short to seize or that anyone desirous of spiritual connection is beyond its reach.

A Letter Back To Beth Moore From Some Guy On The Internet With A Blog To Remind Beth Moore That She Does Not Have The Thing That Lets Her Be Not A Horrible Bible Teacher

Note from the Blogger: In case anyone reading this happens to be hopelessly obtuse, the below is, of course, a work of satire. If you do not know what satire is, you may Google the Wikipedia article thereupon for a brief introduction to the concept or, if you have not already done so, simply become a registered republican.anger

Another note from the Blogger: If you’re unsure of what, precisely, is being satirized here, start by reading this recent post from Christian writer Beth Moore and then this response thereunto, one of the most satire-ready texts I’ve encountered in a long while indeed. Someone has to.

Dear Beth,

Today you wrote a letter to your brothers in Christ. Allow me to respond to the letter you wrote to your brothers in Christ so that I can respond to the letter that you wrote.

Be silent. Be silent is a phrase that is in the Bible. It is in the Bible in a place where the Bible says things that women should do and you are one and so that is what you should do. It is in the Bible because I say it is in the Bible and because I say what is in the Bible that means that whatever I say is true because it is in the Bible because I say that it is. You are not a good Bible teacher because you are not good at teaching the Bible. You preach and write about yourself as is if is as you were a character in the Biblical story that is the story that is in the Bible of which you are not a good teacher. Which you are not. You are a character in the farcical and cruel and another adjective from my thesaurus that means something bad story of the phrases that I use that I think I know what they mean but really do not but think I do. I read Believing God recently; it was one of the worst Christian books that I have ever read because I am a Christian and I did not write it. It is irrelevant that I did not hold it right side up. It pains me to know that so many women erroneously think. That you are a good source for biblical teaching because I think that you are not a good source for biblical teaching because what I say is biblical and if someone says something that I do not say it is not Biblical because Biblical is what I say it to be. Let me be clear, you aren’t a terrible Bible teacher because you are a woman. You are a terrible Bible teacher because you are not good at teaching the Bible which makes you a terrible Bible teacher because you are a woman. That you are a woman is irrelevant because you are a woman. And you did not learn to write good prose as I have from the robot on Lost in Space.

I am a semenary graduate. A semenary is a place that men go to to learn to spread the seed. Of the gospel and to be good bible teachers of which you are not one because you did not go to semenary but I did. As a semenary graduate who graduated from semenary unlike you who did not, it has been one of my great joys to collect submissions from submissive women who have been told by men who are good Bible teachers to reject you and your Bible studies because you are not a good Bible teacher because you are not a man. Who went to semenary like the way that I went to semenary and graduated which makes me a good teacher of the Bible which you are not. The most popular article I ever published which four whole people read of which only two were my Nana was a testimony from a pastor’s wife who is married to a a male pastor who graduated from semenary which you did not about how her husband said how awful your teaching was because you are not married to a male pastor who is a semenary graduate like I am and you are not. Yes, you are popular. Popular is a thing you are because a lot of people like you and unlike you I am not liked as you are. I detest you because of the way that other people like you. You are successful in a market that has rejected several of my manuscripts in which I am a Good bible teacher which you are not. You scoff at the semenarians who have not graduated from semenary because they talked down to you because you have not graduated from semenary. Maybe if you didn’t drop out of semenary which is a place where men go to learn to be good teachers of the Bible which you are not you would understand why they think you are awful which you are and I am not. That my blog-editing has kept my Nana from your products makes me happy. I am not personally friends with a single pastor who thinks you are sound because I am not friends with a single pastor.

Let me me forthright. You are not a not good Bible teacher not because you are a woman but because you do not have a penis. Penises are things that men have that women do not which is why women cannot be good Bible teachers. Do not get me wrong. As a biblical complementarian who is a good teacher of the Bible which you are not I believe that women can can be just as smart as men as long as they do not try to teach men anything especially the Bible of which you are not a good teacher because you are a woman. It is not that women are not as good as men it is only that men and women are different and the way in which they are different is that men have penises and women do not which is why to be a good Bible teacher one must have a penis which you do not and I do which is why you are not a good Bible teacher and I am.

Speaking of penises, you are a good-looking woman. Did it ever cross your mind that the Christian ministers who have penises who didn’t want to talk to you at conferences didn’t want to jeopardize their career by being thought to flirt with you because you are good-looking and they have penises? Maybe they didn’t want to end up in your. Next personal anecdote. Just maybe they were trying to hide that they were not able as mature adult human beings to control themselves around a beautiful, effusive, voluptuous, perfect woman with flowing blond tresses and a super hot ass and legs up to that makes it hard. To concentrate on being a good Bible teacher. Beth, I could go on about this. But I need to change my baby’s diaper (which I made with my penis which makes me a good Bible teacher which you are not), so I am going to wrap it up.

God isn’t talking to you. He is talking to my penis. You sound crazy. If God was talking to your penis, you’d likely not be such a horrible Bible teacher but you do not because you are a good-looking, beautiful, effusive woman.

Be Gone,

Some Guy On the Internet With A Blog

P.S. I’m not saying what scores of other theologians and pastors have already thought about how good-looking you are. So my admonition to Be Gone only applies if you want to keep teaching the Bible of which you are a horrible teacher and not if you want to friend the secret Ashley Madison account that I do not have but if I did could be found under the username “hotforpreacher69.”